Jhaynee

Archive for Disyembre, 2007|Monthly archive page

in behalf of those who leave…

In Others on Disyembre 28, 2007 at 8:35 umaga

we always hear the stories of people who gets to be left behind… some of them depressed, sad, mad maybe or simply unhappy. they always seem to be in an aggravated state and most of the times they are perceived to be the victims of every parting situation… we sympathize. we comfort. we blame the one who left… the one who has caused all the pain, the apathetic one, the one who’s probably happy from the moment he or she left…

i see this picture in a different angle though… because this time, i am the one who left… and i may be speaking for the others who have done the same thing too…

its bullshit when you think that i’m fine or better off or happy just because i was the one who had the guts to end something that has already caused us so much pain.. so much that at some point it has made me numb…

how dare you judge me and think that i have loved less, that i did not care enough or even consider the consequences of leaving..

and its so unfair of you to think that i have never given you enough importance just because my world didn’t stop spinning when yours ended..

i hope you cared to ask how i felt.. then maybe you’d understand or, at least, know what truly lies in my heart..

i feel just as much pain as you do. maybe even more. i have to keep it all to myself though, because showing it to you would make me vulnerable..

guilty, sometimes, when i come into thinking that i am the reason of your misery..

at some point i became regretful.. confused.. i was asking myself for the nth time if i made the right decision.. or if it was really the best thing to do for a problematic relationship..

i was scared.. i know that this would change everything between us.. and even the 7 years of good friendship could end, and its the last thing that id want to happen..

but then again id have to be strong.. i have to stick to my decision.. i have to fake that im ok.. and worse, i have to take all your sarcasm and pretend not to hear it anyway..

just so you’d know, im hurting too..

so please stop all this crap.. lets just cry in silence.. it’ll be better for us both..

hmmm..

In Others on Disyembre 26, 2007 at 3:08 hapon

its frustrating when you…

cannot tell exactly what you feel

do not know what to expect but still expect somehow

give meaning to a lot of things

get confused

over analyze

hmmmm..

i must be frustrated

i hate it when someone has the power to make me feel that way

hey feeling, please go away

and hey “someone”, please go away too

please

the absence of the christmas tree

In Walang Uri on Disyembre 26, 2007 at 1:31 hapon

i never really grew up with a christmas tree in our house during christmas..

well, i remember there was a time when we had one which was about 3 feet tall. such a cutie. hehehe. but i think i only saw it for a few years. anyways, the point is we didnt really have one green, plastic, cone-shaped christmas tree.

i grew up in a little room in a boarding house and what used to be our christmas tree was some twigs with colored water in ice candy wrappers. we would add some glittery stuff on top and… taraaaaan!!!… our very own christmas tree.. we’d put it in one corner or on the top of the table and the christmas spirit is in..

when we had our own house, we didnt have our old twiggies anymore. we (uhmmmm) improvised. we used the plants outside our house and put them together with some red cloth to cover up the dusty pots, and some old christmas lights.. taraaaaaan!!!… christmas tree na naman!! hehehe..

ive never really had the liking for these improvised christmas trees.. hehehe.. but somehow they managed to bring in the christmas spirit in our house.. it reminds me that its time to be kind to your siblings.. lesser number of batoks or lesser force on the batoks.. hahaha!!!

this year, we didnt have an improvised christmas tree though.. and i dont know why but a sad feeling came to overwhelm me.. i never knew it had such impact.. my christmas seemed to be incomplete..

we were just too busy.. we didnt have time and we didnt find time..

i got outside our house to breathe some fresh air.. at least the freshest of what the city can offer.. hehehe.. there i saw the biggest improvised christmas tree.. my mom had one of her students install some christmas lights on the talisay tree outside our house.. it also had some stars in it.. we have a “chrsitmas tree” after all.. talk about creativity! hehehe

just because its not there, doesnt mean its gone for good.. sometimes, we just have to look outside to realize that there is something better..

hatred

In Others on Disyembre 26, 2007 at 12:59 hapon

dear pride,

why do you have to exist in everyone’s mind? mind? hmmm.. yes, mind. hearts make people feel happy or sad or any other emotion for that matter, and for that it dictates people to do things without being rational.. so no, you are not to be coupled with the heart. you are the “balancing figure”

i hate you!

you make me regret the things that i’ve done.

you make me doubt the decisions that i’m making.

you make me hesitate on a lot of things which aren’t even happening yet.

i want you totally out of my system. not a single drop of you in my flesh.
by then id be foolish… but, at least, id be real..

-shayne

Meow

In Walang Uri on Disyembre 6, 2007 at 3:10 hapon

people ask too many questions.
they try to eplain a lot of things.
they want to comprehend even the deepest of thoughts.

but lately, i’ve appreciated the art of ignorance – the simplicity of not knowing.

having knowledge or at least an idea about a lot of things makes you
1. paranoid
2. over analyze things
3. feel…. HURT

sometimes we have to live with the mystery of the unknown.
appreciate the abscence of knowledge.
because digging the answers to all your questions would only mean…..
MORE PAIN..

Curiousity kills the cat =(